I pray a lot. I pray all the time. Sometimes I’m at my desk at work and I just stop everything I’m doing and pray. I pray when I’m walking down the street, or on the train… The only way I know how to fall asleep is praying.
Sometimes I feel like I’m overwhelming God by all my praying. I think he/she might be annoyed by my constant conversation. My constant need to ask for help, or forgiveness, or whatever else. Though I thank him/her a lot too. All the time. Sometimes that’s all my prayer is about.
I feel selfish as fuck though. When I see horrible things happening in my once home of Venezuela or in Gaza. I feel like the most selfish person on the face of the planet, because I still pray about the things I constantly seek. Like guidance, patience, the love of a partner, the connection with a man who cares as much as I do. I feel selfish when I pray about my career advancement, about being a top executive one day and having that beautiful home with the exposed brick wall and large windows. Or when I pray about having children one day, even though I’d be mortified to get pregnant right now. Even though I pray for my loved ones, or for those I don’t even know, I feel that I should pray less for my wants and more for others. I try so hard to keep that balanced. I think I might be driving myself crazy.
I was praying about something earlier tonight, and I went on twitter after. And I am overwhelmed with emotion. When I cannot help but cry on my bed because I am watching LIVE what is happening in this country, in a place called Ferguson. It breaks my fucking heart and soul to see what the police, ignorant motherfuckers, are doing down there. It scares the shit out of me that this country, land of the free, is capable of the cruelty happening this very moment. It scares me that there is so much SERIOUS hatred towards people of color. My beautiful people. It scares me that because I love black men, my children will also be put through some shit in the future only because their skin is beautifully painted by a darker paint from God’s palette. IT SCARES ME. And that again makes me feel selfish, because I’m not out there… because I’m at home safe and sound and so thankful that I am not getting rubber bullets fired at me and I am making it about me. And it’s not.
So I wrote this. Confessing all the shit happening in my heart right now. Hoping that one of you finds solidarity in my words. Because as selfish and scared as this makes me feel, I am also enraged. ENRAGED!!!
Right now all I have is my words. if I can get one of you to care too then I know my feelings, and me sharing this isn’t in vain.
I’m gonna go pray now ya’ll. I know I can do that at the very least, and I hope you do too.